Is It Worth It?

Note: I am writing this a lot for my own benefit, but I would love to share my thoughts with you.

That has to be the question I have been asking myself almost every day for the past month.  As most of you know, I work for a non-profit called Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru).  Since we're a non-profit we rely on the donations of individuals, businesses and churches to fund our ministries.  While some non-profits have a department that raises funds for the organization as a whole and pays it's employees that way, Campus Crusade is different.  Everyone in Cru reaches out to individuals and churches they know for their funding.

Last year, in order to start working in the Greater Northwest Regional office I had to raise enough support so that I would be able to work and have all of my monthly expenses paid.  This year isn't any different.  I have been spending my summer working on raising the support I need in order to continue working in the regional office, but this has been a slow, painful and emotion filled time.

So that begs the questions: Is it worth it?

Are the sleepless nights laying awake wondering where the rest of the funds are going to come from worth it?  What about the days where I feel like I have failed in my mission?  Are the fears of losing friends and causing strife between family worth raising the funds so I can continue serving the Lord full time?

My answer: YES!

I know that my job IS important.  I know that the Lord WILL provide the support I need.  I know that what I do makes an ETERNAL difference.  I can't think of anything that is more important than what I do and the difference it makes.  Why is what I do important?  I get to be a part of an international organization.  I get to help spread the good news of the Gospel not just in Portland, not just in Oregon, not just in the Greater Northwest, but all the way around the world.   

It is so much fun to see the Lord work all over.  I get to see 600+ students come to Cru Conference every year where they get to learn about serving the Lord for the first time and for their life time.  I get to talk with students about who Jesus is and what he has done for them.  I get to see students spend their summers completely dedicated to serving the Lord and share the gospel all over the world. 

So yeah, I'm pretty sure I have the BEST job and I love going to work every day.  I like being the support system to help Campus Staff spend their time on campus with students.  I like planning conferences and creating videos that can be a tool the Lord can use to draw students closer to Himself.  I just have to trust the Lord that the support raising process is worth the payoff of seeing all this happen, especially when I lose the sight why I do what I do.

Ice Cream Meltdown

Chances are you know me, if you don't, well, I'm sure you're starting to feel like you do if you read this often. If you do know me and we've shared a meal together in the last 4 years you know that it is always a production when I want to eat.  It's not by a choice or me just being picky; trust me, I used to be picky, I'm not anymore. I'm such a bear to eat a meal with because I have Celiacs Disease.

I can't believe that I haven't actually written about this much before, but I don't think I have.  I'm just thinking about it because for the first time in quite a while I realized that Lucas has never known me as a non-Celiac, and this week it became apparent. 

As I mentioned, I used to be picky.  I wouldn't eat so many things.  I hated (and still do for the most part) fish, egg plant and cooked mushrooms, for example.  But now there are things that I didn't use to like that I'm starting to enjoy simply because if I don't eat that, there's not a whole lot else I can eat like onions and cooked tomatoes.  But here is a story that made me feel like a terrible person, but at the same time I find quite humorous.

I asked Lucas to go to the store after he got a haircut.  He went to this place that we have been before that has an extensive gluten free section, which is awesome!  When he got home he started showing me some of the things that he had gotten for me, which included gluten free instant gravy mix! However, he also told me that he got me a surprise, but that I would have to wait until after dinner.  

I couldn't wait to see what he got.  We finished dinner and were watching TV for a bit when he said he was going to fix me my surprise but I had to close my eyes, which I did.  He came back in the living room and put something in my hand and when I opened my eyes I saw an ice cream cone.  

An ice cream cone

I looked at the cone and then I looked up at Lucas and said, "I can't eat ice cream cones." And he had a big grin on his face and said, "These are Gluten Free!"  I looked back at the cone and then back at him and said, "I don't like ice cream cones." 

In that moment I could see his heart sink.  Here was my husband trying to do something super sweet and super nice for me, and I couldn't even accept his gift with a happy heart because just I didn't like it.  He explained how when he saw them he figured I'd be really excited about it because I couldn't have had a cone in over 4 years now.  I apologized for hurting his feelings and explained how when I was little could never eat them fast enough and the cone was always soggy by the time I got to it and so I never wanted to eat it.  

I told him I would try it though.  But then, like a 3 year old, I had to ask how I'm supposed to eat it! I was a sticky mess after just a couple minutes.  But I ate it and the cone didn't taste half bad.  I realized after this happened that there was no way that Lucas would have ever known that I didn't like ice cream cones.  I'd never been able to eat them for as long as he knew me.  How could I expect him to know what I don't like.  He's not my family who has known for YEARS how much I dislike ice cream cones.  

But the ones we had weren't bad, so I'll have to try one again.  It's just helping me keep in perspective how little Lucas and I know about each other even after being married for a year-plus.  We get to keep learning new things about one another and grow together.  I'm excited for what else I learn about him and what he learns about me!

Has something like this ever happened to you before?

What is something awesome/weird that you just learned about someone you love?

Faith to fighting in less than a chapter

Tonight during my quiet time I read John 8.  I'm not sure if John's writing style is strange, the translation from the original language to English is awkward or if Jesus was just kind of hard to understand sometimes.  But reading tonight, my eyes seemed to open to a section of scripture that I don't really think I've ever paid attention to before.

John 8:31-59

Before this section of scripture Jesus is talking with the Pharisees (as usual) and through his conversation it says in verse 30, " Even as he spoke, many put their faith in him."  But Jesus then turns to these Jews who believe and start to really let them know what they'll learn when they follow him and how they'll be free.  The Jews, in return, reply that they are Abraham's descendants and were never slaves to begin with.


How often are we like these Jews who put their faith in what Jesus says, but then they think that they're all good because of the fact they are descendants of Abraham?  I think that I have fallen into this trap at times in my life.  I grew up in a Christian home, and sometimes I feel like I've got it all together simply because of the way I grew up, following rules and whatnot.  But I think I'm more like the Jews in this chapter than I want to realize.

I say I know how to live because I'm a part of my family, but Jesus calls us out saying, NO. You're living your life the way your "father," the devil, does. We're sinful people.  We're part of that group who was plotting to kill Jesus. But the blessing is the fact that we have these Jews' story to look at and learn from. They didn't understand what Jesus was saying but because we have their story in the Bible we're able to learn from what they did. How awesome is that!?

I encourage you to read John 8, the whole chapter, so you can get the whole context of what is going on around this dialog with Jesus and these Jews.  It's pretty amazing to see what happens over just the course of just one chapter.  They go from putting their faith in him to picking up stones to try and kill him. Crazy.